A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
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I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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