My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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