eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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