Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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