Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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