hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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