I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
