I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
