The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
