drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
