i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
