My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
