i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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