meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
