I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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