I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
