you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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