Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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