i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
