On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
