I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
