So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
