I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
