you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
