I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
