I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
