well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
