The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
