Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
