Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
