i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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