got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
