I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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