i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
