What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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