I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
