dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
