im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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