why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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