You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
