You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
