It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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