Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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