Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
