your parents love me but you hate me
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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