Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
