Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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