No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
