K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
