somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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