As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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