I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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