there's paper in my vomit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
