Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.